All the emails of 2006 that have changed my life
Tuesday, January 02, 2007
Thanks to all the emails i received in 2006, this is how my life has changed:
I must send my thanks to whomever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.
Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I am still waiting to receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates is sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to email, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends within five minutes.
Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so that a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face... disfiguring me for life.
I will never check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS. I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug
me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will hack into my line for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
And thanks to all the great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I find in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex predator waiting underneath a car to grab my leg.
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 60 minutes, you will have 10 years of bad luck and go straight to hell when you die.
I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...
A South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.
I must send my thanks to whomever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.
Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I am still waiting to receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates is sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to email, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends within five minutes.
Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so that a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face... disfiguring me for life.
I will never check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS. I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug
me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will hack into my line for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
And thanks to all the great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I find in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex predator waiting underneath a car to grab my leg.
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 60 minutes, you will have 10 years of bad luck and go straight to hell when you die.
I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...
A South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.
cover.story!
Saturday, September 30, 2006
more.random.reports
Monday, September 11, 2006
"Lost wives "
Two men met while both were looking for their lost wives.
1st: How does yours look like?
2nd: She is 5"7, 36-24-36, Fair, Black eyes. What about yours?
1st: Forget mine. Lets find yours!!
_______________________________________________
"Friends"
Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend dead.
Wife says, "If you continue to behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends".
_______________________________________________
"Santa's Present"
Small Boy wrote to Santa Claus, "Send me a brother."
Santa wrote back, "SEND ME YOUR MOTHER."
_______________________________________________
"Definition"
What is the definition of Mistress?
Someone between the Mister and Mattress.
_______________________________________________
"W.I.F.E"
Husband asks , "Do u know the meaning of WIFE??"
"It stands for - Wilfully Ignorant Foolish Egomaniac."
Wife replies," No, it represents - With Idiot For Ever !!!"
_______________________________________________
"Differences"
What's the difference between Stress, Tension and Panic?
Stress is when the wife is pregnant.
Tension is when the girlfriend is pregnant,
and Panic is when both are pregnant.
_______________________________________________
"Period"
Teacher: Do you know the importance of the period?
Kid: "Ya, once my sister said she missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack & our driver ran away.
_______________________________________________
"Yours?"
Woman asks man who is traveling with six children, "Are all these kids yours?"
"No, I work in a condom factory & these are customer complaints."
_______________________________________________
"Confidential vs Confidence"
Sons asks dad for the difference between Confidence and confidential Dad says, you are
my son, i'm confident. Your friend is also my son, that's confidential!
_______________________________________________
"Sex Education"
Mother to her teenage daughter: "I think this is the right time we should talk about sex.
Daughter (Excitedly): "Sure mom, tell me what do you want to know!"
Mother Faints.
Two men met while both were looking for their lost wives.
1st: How does yours look like?
2nd: She is 5"7, 36-24-36, Fair, Black eyes. What about yours?
1st: Forget mine. Lets find yours!!
_______________________________________________
"Friends"
Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend dead.
Wife says, "If you continue to behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends".
_______________________________________________
"Santa's Present"
Small Boy wrote to Santa Claus, "Send me a brother."
Santa wrote back, "SEND ME YOUR MOTHER."
_______________________________________________
"Definition"
What is the definition of Mistress?
Someone between the Mister and Mattress.
_______________________________________________
"W.I.F.E"
Husband asks , "Do u know the meaning of WIFE??"
"It stands for - Wilfully Ignorant Foolish Egomaniac."
Wife replies," No, it represents - With Idiot For Ever !!!"
_______________________________________________
"Differences"
What's the difference between Stress, Tension and Panic?
Stress is when the wife is pregnant.
Tension is when the girlfriend is pregnant,
and Panic is when both are pregnant.
_______________________________________________
"Period"
Teacher: Do you know the importance of the period?
Kid: "Ya, once my sister said she missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack & our driver ran away.
_______________________________________________
"Yours?"
Woman asks man who is traveling with six children, "Are all these kids yours?"
"No, I work in a condom factory & these are customer complaints."
_______________________________________________
"Confidential vs Confidence"
Sons asks dad for the difference between Confidence and confidential Dad says, you are
my son, i'm confident. Your friend is also my son, that's confidential!
_______________________________________________
"Sex Education"
Mother to her teenage daughter: "I think this is the right time we should talk about sex.
Daughter (Excitedly): "Sure mom, tell me what do you want to know!"
Mother Faints.
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